Artistic hole ...

Hi guys I gotta get it out, and spill the tea...about how I feel. It's weird, life I mean. How it goes it's ways, ups and downs, highs and lows. I've spent most of my past 3 weeks in bed, I got COVID and am currently recovering from a very painful ear infection.

However, those weeks also had some gold in them because I had a lot, A LOT of time to think. About everything. About life and where I dream about going... The thing is, first of all, I realized that I had forgotten my dreams and my goals.

Yes, I am making a TV show and everything but it's like, something is making my heart cry. At first a small sob which then turned into something more. Something that couldn't be ignored anymore.

I am also super scared to write like this here now but on the other side, I so often have the feeling that everyone is hiding so much on their insides because the world or whatever tells us no one cares about how you feel. No one wants to work with someone who's not a constant sunshine. But I mean c'mon? This couldn't be more far away from reality or if so well then I guess I am just depressed or something..

I feel that we artists really struggle a lot. Not saying financially, cause I don't wanna go into that direction but more internally, emotionally. For me, it's so hard to find my identity, my style.. when I write I channel, when I was acting, well I kinda did the same while also putting my heart and soul into everything. It's been a while since I was acting. And during the last weeks I was thinking about it. Why did I stop? Why did I truly stop? I guess, I allowed doubts and mental conclusions, reasons and other OUTER things to get INTO me... until at one point I started to believe it.

What I've observed is though that since I stopped acting, my imagination, my dreams and desires, my zest for life, my energy went down and down and down. Slowly, yet, it seems so obvious now that it did. I justified it with me doing a lot, A LOT of family and relationship trauma healing work but idk is that truly only the reason for my heart sobbing?

I asked myself a lot of questions: am I okay? physically - ok at the moment sick which means I was carrying something within that had to get out now... mentally? I'd say I am fine, better than ever. Spiritually? Hm I am growing, defiantly doing the inner work, yet it feels like my spirit isn't as free anymore as she used to be. The only times I felt like flying was when acting. Writing is different yet I also completely get into a divine flow, but it's different because writing isn't physical. Acting is so obviously it activates different senses and makes you feel differently. How is my heart? Doing the inner research combined with observing I realized that my anxiety, nervousness, fears and all those things increased and my zest and excitement for life decreased....

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want my zest, my hunger, my JOY for life back... Has it happened to me that I allowed my dreams to fade and is that the reason I feel so miserable? While I was still on my own, pursuing my acting dreams and before building sparroww and developing the show, I was so excited everyday. About life. Living in Hollywood for sure also increased that but even when I was elsewhere because I didn't get my O1 artist visa yet, I was on fire. For years, never a single doubt about that my dreams are real, they just didn't manifest yet. I was motivated af!! I could see them. Taste them, feel them.

So probably, I have lost something crucial inside of myself. What do you think???